Two years.
It’s been two years, today, May 13th. May 13th, 2010 was my second and final suicide attempt. May 13th was the last time I cut myself, and the last time i made myself throw up. Holy crap.
I just told a friend of mine, and it feels good. I want to go out and shout it to the world. I’ve made it. I’ve survived. I’m on the road to recovery. It’s been really really REALLY hard. But wow, it’s worth it. This is the most beautiful feeling, and if you’re currently struggling with anything that’s damaging yourself, I want you to know something.
I made it. I was at rock bottom. But like I’ve said before, sometimes rock bottom is the best place to be, ‘cause there’s nowhere to go but up. And that’s what I did. I got up. And you can get up, too. Because you deserve it. You might not think so, but you do. We all do. We deserve happiness. We deserve to fully recover, and beat these demons inside us. I’m well on my way, but I have a long, long way to go. And I can do it.
I don’t need this added stress and anxiety right now.
Shit.
Almost at 2 years. Since I last did it. Or attempted that.
And to think I almost broke yesterday. At someone else’s house. To think that it would’ve been 2 years gone back to square one.
Two years is a long time.
Meh
Just now, out of anxiety over nothing, I ripped off my nails. So I filed them down to the fucking bed. I just hope they grow back in time for prom.
Today
I can’t even get my eyebrows done without almost having an anxiety attack. I felt claustrophobic and it was hard to breathe and I really just wanted to cry.
Today’s been an emotional roller-coaster and I hate it. I was in a great mood this morning and then once it was time to head home from the Everglades, I cracked. I felt depressed and detached. I waited in the car while everyone went to look at alligators and I cried and shook. I don’t know what’s different now that’s causing my frequent attacks, but it needs to stop. Definitely thinking about seeing Elena this week.
Oh,
And I think my shit mood is partially because, although it was a great movie, “Girl, Interrupted” was so fucking triggering. Triggered and frustrated, yippee.
